Happy 20th Birthday, TABBY! (:

It was Deepavali’s holiday

yet we were having our Hari Raya celebration

Thanks granny for the planning,the foods and all(:

At nanny ijah’s house

Lastly, granny mai’s home

* I need a break *

I’mjustcausingeveryoneandmyselftobemiserablebybeingdillydally

IthoughtIhavemadeupmymind

ItseemsthatIhavenotandonlycausingfriendsaroundmetobeworryaboutme

Iknowwhat’swrongyetIamnotabletobecorrectit

So,life’s like the traffic lights – red,yellow,green

Red represents the problems

Yellow represents stability

Green represents safe zone

Which category do my future represents?IhopeIcanmakefriendswithredtoovercomethedifficulty

Friends might think I’m silly

Family might think I’m foolish

I might even be a great disappointment for my father

For the past 2 weeks, I have been thinking a lot. I have lost my interest. I admited that I was excited about it and it was really what I wanted in the the first place. My younger sister said that there’s a possibility that my family read my blog . That’s why the adults try to make me feel better. I have been reading the emails sent between my family and sister when she was in UK studying. I understand their care and concern but I think I have to give up the opportunity to study overseas. I am not up to it. I have been in a depressed state since the second talk (even though I did laugh during these 2 weeks). I know their interest for my future. Since I didn’t do well for my poly life, why don’t I just take the hard way? Work. I don’t see any wrong in being happy in living simply.

For twice, I failed to communicate with them. I only cried in response. I didn’t manage to stand up for myself. I once said that I will accept my family’s offer since I can’t convince them the second time. It shall be last for tomorrow. I know I have to be appreciative for the opportuity and be rational to accept it. But I want to reject it. I need to muster my courage and be firm. This issue has been hanging on for these past months due to my indecisiveness. It has been a waste of time to debate on this. I hope this subject can end tomorrow. It has been emotionally drained for my family and me. They think I have hurt them with my immaturity for the previous talk yet I think they do not understand me.

I remember most of their words

“3 years of studying is not hard work, for heavens sake.  All of us have been working decades to put food on your table, roof over your head and clothings on  your body. THAT IS hard work .  What is 3 years of studying , still have time for pleasure and fun and wear nice clothings etc?” – These words are said to me when I complained about 3 years of poly life.

“Study first.When you leave a gap in between you might lose the momentum in studying.  When you merge into society for too long, you might be caught up with work, life etc that it might disrupt your plans to further your study.Economy is no good so not much point in getting into a job if you want to work for 1 or 2 years only.  You are not getting anywhere with 1 or 2 years of experience and if you get promoted on that job you will be in conflict as to whether to continue with the job or to break off and study.” – These words are said when I plan to work instead of study

“Not all are academically inclined. Not all  who excel academnically with all the A’s will do well later in life as a person or in their career.  Important thing is to develop a good character, personality and skills in this highly competitive, expensive and fast changing world.you need a good education (in whichever field) to be able to start ahead of others.  A good education also enables you to move higher in your career as you work on.  A good education gives you a good thinking head to deal with matters with people and society.” - These words are said when I use the excuse that I didn’t do well for studies

Their teachings seem so right. I can’t out-talk them with every excuse that I come up with. To be honest, I prefer to study yet I do not have the confidence that I can study well and able to live on my own. I have too much fears. Instead of giving up halfway through university life, I might as well give up now. I know my family will blame it on my relationship now and think I should go for the july intake instead of feb intake. They don’t have to worry because I have given up this relationship completely and it has nothing to do with it. I am uncertain what I can do for my future now but I just want to be wilful and make my own decision.

It’s my younger sister’s birthday!

Happy BiRthDay, DumB dUmb!

I’m really glad to have you(:

because you’re my pillar of strength in our family(:

Our silly talk and laughter cheer me up these few days.

 A super BIG Thank you!

* Decision is made. It really hurts a lot. I dont want to talk about it for the time being. Sometimes, I secretly wish I have never grown up so my family will still feel happy to have me; and not disappointment in me. I have made my choice. I have to admit it hurts partially is because of him. I gave up our relationship once even though I really like him. Now, It’s twice.*